


The Laws of God and Man

by eternaleponine



Category: Hornblower (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-15
Updated: 2011-05-15
Packaged: 2017-10-19 10:37:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/199912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternaleponine/pseuds/eternaleponine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set while on shore leave during the unspecified amount of time that Horatio and Archie are on the Indefatigable before Simpson's return.  Archie cannot contain his feelings any longer, and writes Horatio a letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Laws of God and Man

When Archie woke up, it was to Horatio's arm around him, holding him so his back was pressed against his friend's chest.  He could feel the other man's breath against the back of his neck, steady but not slow enough that it was likely he was asleep. 

"Did I...?" Archie asked, his voice soft.  He didn't need to finish the question; he knew that Horatio would understand what he meant. 

"No, not that," Horatio replied, and his mouth was so close Archie swore he could feel his lips brushing against his skin.  "A nightmare, I think, but I got worried."  He loosened his grip, releasing Archie slowly.

Archie rolled over to face his friend.  It had been a mistake, he realized, for them to hire a room together while on shore leave.  He couldn't get away from Horatio, even in sleep – perhaps especially in sleep.  Which wasn't to say he wanted to, exactly.  It was only that sometimes he thought the weight of all of the things he thought and felt and couldn't say would crush him. 

Waking up in his friend's arms didn't help, even if the gesture was entirely innocent. 

"I'm all right," Archie reassured him.  "I don't even remember it, if it was.  I'm sorry to have woken you." 

"No need to apologize, Archie," Horatio said, smiling at him in the way he did that completely melted Archie's heart.  "You'd have done the same for me."

"Thank you, then," Archie said, glad of the darkness so Horatio couldn't see that he was blushing like a schoolgirl with a crush.  Was a midshipman with a crush so very different? 

"Of course," Horatio said, and rolled over.  Archie took it as a demonstration of trust that Horatio allowed himself to be pinned against the wall like that, and would even turn his back to the door.  A sign that he had faith in Archie to have his back, quite literally, if it came down to it.

Not that they were likely to run into much trouble in an out-of-the-way rooming house where they were only staying for a few days, but one must always be prepared.

Yes, this had certainly been a mistake, Archie decided.  What if he had a dream about Horatio?  What if he talked in his sleep?  He had to be so careful during the day, but how could he police himself at night?  Somehow, he'd never found it to be of much concern while on the ship, but then he mostly too tired by the time he crawled into his hammock to dream at all.

Sleep didn't come easily for him after that.  He stared into the darkness, his thoughts chasing their tails around and around in his mind.  There were moments when he wondered whether he might not be better off simply telling his friend the truth, but the rest of the time he knew that that way lay madness.  Even if Horatio could stomach the thought that Archie felt any way other than friendly towards him, it was beyond foolish to think he might reciprocate the feelings.  At best he could hope that Horatio would remain his friend, but there would always be an awkwardness between them after.  Archie was sure of it. 

No, it wasn't worth risking losing his best friend over.  He would simply have to figure out a way to manage it.

*

"Is something bothering you, Archie?" Horatio asked over breakfast.  "You're quiet this morning."

"I'm sorry," Archie replied automatically.  "Just lost in my thoughts, I suppose."

"What are you thinking about?"

Archie realized he shouldn't have said it, because he couldn't answer.  "Nothing in particular." 

"Consumed by thoughts of nothing in particular.  You're a strange man, Mister Kennedy," Horatio said, his tone teasing. 

Archie forced a smile, trying to convince his friend that everything was fine, really.  He didn't need Horatio prying into his head right now.  He was overtired and felt close to losing control of his emotions, which was the last thing they needed.  He would embarrass them both, and prove to Horatio once and for all that he was weak.  "Yet you continue to spend time with me."

"We all have our flaws."  Horatio grinned, but the expression faltered when it wasn't answered by Archie's usual good-natured laugh.  "Archie, if something was wrong you would tell me, wouldn't you?"

Archie opened his mouth, then closed it and looked away.

"Archie?"  Horatio reached out to touch his sleeve.  "You can talk to me about anything.  You must know that.  I've no wish to have secrets between us."

"There's nothing wrong, Horatio.  Truly.  I'm just a bit tired, that's all."

"If you care to accompany me on an errand, perhaps the air will do you some good," Horatio suggested.

"Where are you going?" Archie asked. 

"I have to make a stop at the tailor.  I've ruined my best breeches again.  Perhaps if you're along, I'll be spared the lecture."  Again, he flashed Archie a smile, trying to jolly him out of his melancholy.  "Really, you'd be doing me a favor.  Don't make me plead."

"All right," Archie agreed finally.  If he could make himself act normal, perhaps he could put Horatio off the scent, so to speak.  He knew that once his friend got his mind on something, he was like a terrier with a rat; he didn't let it go until he'd worked it through to its end.  "To spare you."

Horatio clapped him on the shoulder.  "Good man." 

They finished up their breakfast and headed out.  Slowly, Archie was able to work himself back out of the pit, smiling and laughing as he would normally.  It wasn't until they were back in their room for the night that it all came tumbling back in, like a giant wave that threatened to capsize a ship. 

"I don't think we ought to share the bed anymore," he said, the words coming out before he could really think about the impact of them.

Horatio laughed.  "Do I smell?  I swear that I've bathed." 

Archie smiled.  "It's nothing to do with how you smell," he said.  But it was, in a way.  It was the way Horatio smelled – like salt, sweat, and soap, and something else that was uniquely him.  It was the warmth of him, and the sound and feel of his breathing.  It was him, everything about him. 

"What then?" Horatio asked, his forehead furrowing.

"I don't want to wake you again if I have a nightmare," Archie said.  It wasn't all of the truth, but it was true enough that Horatio couldn't really argue with it, or so he hoped.

"I'm not bothered by being woken up, Archie," Horatio said.  "Where are you going to sleep otherwise?  We haven't enough money between us for another room."

"The floor," Archie said.  "I don't mind."

"You're not going to sleep on the floor, Archie.  Don't be ridiculous."  Horatio turned away, continuing to prepare for bed, obviously thinking the conversation was over.

Archie gave in, because turning it into an argument was only going to draw attention to it that he didn't want. 

 

He took his time getting ready, hoping that Horatio would settle in quickly and already be asleep by the time he crawled into bed, but he wasn't so lucky.  His friend turned to look at him as soon as he lay down, touching his shoulder lightly.  "Sleep well, Archie," he murmured, a crease forming between his brows.

"You as well," Archie replied, and closed his eyes, praying for sleep.  It didn't come, though.  He supposed he must have dozed for a while, but without the ship's bells to tell him the time, and no clock in the room, he had no idea how much time might have passed.

Finally he couldn't stand the thought of lying there any longer, so he got up and lit the candle, keeping the wick low so the light wouldn't wake Horatio.

He rummaged through the things he'd brought ashore, finding a piece of a paper and a pencil.  Pen and ink would have been better, but needs must.

 _Dearest_ , he began, then scrubbed it out.

 _Horatio,_

 _Please don't be alarmed when you wake and find that I am not beside you.  Nothing terrible has happened to me; I simply needed to get away for a little while to try to collect my thoughts._

 _I suppose I ought to have done that before I set about committing words to paper, and there's still a chance I may scrap this all.  But you seem to be genuinely worried about my state of mind, and wish to know what is troubling me.  Against my better judgment, I've decided to tell you, but in such a form that if you decide you wish to have no further contact with me, you will have that option open to you._

 _You know that you are my dearest friend, and I do not think I am mistaken in believing that I am yours.  You have been nothing but good to me from the moment we met, and I trust you with my life.  No matter how difficult things have been, you have stood by me, and there are not words enough to express my gratitude for your presence in my life._

 _Of course I'm sure you're wondering why, with all of that said, that I might believe you would wish to sever our acquaintance.  This is why – my feelings for you, somewhere along the line, became more than friendly, Horatio.  When I am near you, I only want to be nearer, in ways that violate the laws of God and man._

 _I love you, Horatio, and while I daresay that you would say the same to me, the question is one of depth and extent, and in that I fear mine far exceeds your own._

 _I don't expect anything from you.  I wish to make that quite clear.  I know that I should not hope for a reciprocation of my feelings, as you are as honorable I man as I shall ever have the privilege to know, and I don't.  I do hope that we can remain friends, but I suspect that this confession may make things irretrievably awkward between us._

 _I hope that you will not feel obligated to remain my friend out of some sense of duty or loyalty if in your heart you would rather be shut of me.  To that end, I will make sure that I am not here when you wake, so that you have time to truly consider things._

 _I will be at the Rose & Crown from noon until one.  You can find me there if you choose to.  If you do not come, I will know that you feel it is best that we part ways and I will do everything in my power to ensure that we have no further occasion to encounter each other._

 _I will say goodbye now, though my heart aches to write the word, and hope against hope that in the end you will call me a fool for ever thinking I needed to say it._

 _I remain as ever,_

 _Your,_

 _Archie_

He folded the letter and dripped a few drops of wax to seal it, then set it next to Horatio's hat, dragged on his own clothing, and stepped out into the feeble light of the pre-dawn.

*

Horatio woke up late, not realizing how much he'd come to rely on Archie's restless shifting about as he tried to keep from waking up fully as soon as the sun began to creep above the horizon to wake him up in the morning.  The spot on the bed that his friend had been occupying was empty now, and cold.  "Archie?" he called, sitting up.  It wasn't as if there was anywhere that the man could hide in the room they shared, but perhaps he was just outside the door.

There was no answer, so he got up and dressed.  When he stepped into the hall and saw the clock at the end of it, he swore.  He was late for meeting, or would be if he didn't leave presently.  He ducked back into the room to grab his hat and noticed the letter from Archie.  He would have to read it later, he decided, and tucked it into his pocket.

He and his companion parted ways sometime after noon, having concluded business, and he withdrew the note to see what it said.  He assumed that it was simply letting him know where he'd gotten off to for the day, so when he saw how lengthy the missive was, he found a place out of the way to stop and read it properly.

And then to read it again.

As he reached his friend's name for the third time, a clock struck one o'clock.

"No," Horatio said, shaking his head.  "No, no, it can't be."

He took off, running pell-mell through the streets, or as near to it as he could without looking like a complete buffoon.  He knew he couldn't make it in time, but perhaps, just perhaps, if he got there quickly enough Archie would still be nearby and he could catch him.

 _And say what?_ , he asked himself, and wasn't sure of the answer, but he knew that he would have to find one.  Whatever else happened, he couldn't lose his friend.  Especially not when it was not difficult to construe his words at the end about making sure they never encountered each other again in the worst possible way.

Archie was nowhere to be found, though, when he arrived, and so he took off for their room, thinking his friend might have gone to retrieve his things, only to find the room empty, and Archie's things still there.

His heart pounded harder.  Where could the man be?  Where else would he go?

Then it occurred to him that if Archie thought he no longer wanted to see him, they certainly couldn't serve on the same ship.  Which meant his friend would have to resign his position, wouldn't he?  He headed for the docks, excusing himself over and over as he bumped and jostled his way through crowds of people.

"Mister Bracegirdle!" he called, spotting the officer on the deck as he dashed up the gangplank.  "Mister Bracegirdle, have you seen Mister Kennedy?"  He skidded to a halt in front of his superior, panting for breath.

"No, I have not," Bracegirdle replied.  "I rather assumed he was with you."

"He is," Horatio said.  "Rather, he was.  I seem to have... misplaced him."  Which was entirely the wrong word, but he couldn't get his thoughts to line up into proper formation.  They skittered and slid off in a thousand different directions. 

"Misplaced him?" Bracegirdle asked, one eyebrow creeping up.  "How can you have a misplaced a man, Mister Hornblower?"

"I'm sorry, sir.  That's not the word I was looking for, but... I don't know where he is, and I'm concerned that he may do something foolish.  I need to find him."

"What sort of foolish thing are you worried Mister Kennedy might do?" he asked, escorting Horatio away from a knot of crewmen who had taken interest in the conversation, even as they tried very hard to look as if they were far too busy with a coil of rope to be listening.

"I fear he may leave the ship, sir," Horatio said. 

"Desert?"

"No.  I don't know.  I think he would resign, sir, and look for a position on another ship."

Bracegirdle frowned.  "What makes you think that, Mister Hornblower?" 

"We've had a bit of a misunderstanding, that's all, and I fear he may decide it's best to get a position somewhere where I'm not, sir," Horatio said. 

The frown deepened.  "A misunderstanding?  What sort of misunderstanding could be so upsetting that he would choose to give up his ship to escape it?"

Horatio's cheeks were already ruddy from running, so it didn't show much when he blushed.  "It's... personal in nature, sir.  I'm sure we can sort it out.  I only need to find him first.  Please, if he does come by, don't let him do anything rash.  I'm going to check back at our lodgings one more time, and then I'll come back.  Can you – I know I've no right to ask anything of you, sir – but if you do see him, can you convince him to wait for me?"

"If I see him, I will do my best to waylay him until your return, Mister Hornblower."

"Thank you, sir," Horatio said.  "Thank you so much."

He didn't run back to their room, but he wound his way over the sidewalks as quickly as he could manage, only to be disappointed again to find the room empty, and no sign that Archie had been there.

Of course, that was a good sign, wasn't it?  If his friend hadn't come to take his things, then he wasn't going to simply disappear, was he?  Unless it was a bad sign.  Perhaps it was the worst possible sign.  If Archie didn't come and get his things, perhaps he thought he didn't need them. 

Horatio began to shake.  No, no, it couldn't possibly mean that.  Archie was only waiting until he thought the room would be empty.  That must be it.  He headed back for the ship.  Whatever he might be thinking was best, he wouldn't simply desert the ship.  He would have to turn up there eventually. 

*

"I'm afraid the captain isn't on the ship, Mister Kennedy," Bracegirdle told the young man.  "You're welcome to wait for his return."

"It's rather urgent, sir," Archie said.  "Do you know when he might be back?"

"If I knew that, I would have told you, Mister Kennedy," Bracegirdle said gruffly.  "If you're going to wait, I suggest you at least make yourself useful."

"Yes sir," Archie said, and went where Bracegirdle indicated to busy himself with some menial task that really was beneath his station, but he wasn't in a position to argue.  After a while he started to think that he might be better off leaving and coming back a while later, after he'd gotten his things, but before he got a chance to let Bracegirdle know, he heard someone coming up the ramp.

He looked up, hoping to the see the captain, but instead seeing someone he'd not expected he ever would again.  His heart at once leapt and sank, and an expression somewhere between a grin and a grimace flashed over his face.

"There you are," Horatio said, nodding to Bracegirdle as he moved past him to where Archie stood frozen in place.  "I've been looking for you all over."  It was obvious he was trying to keep his tone light, normal-sounding for anyone who might overhear. 

"H-Have you?" Archie asked.  "I—"

Horatio lowered his voice.  "I didn't get a chance to, to read the note until past the time you'd stated.  I suppose I forgot to mention that I would be out for the morning?  I would have been there, Archie.  I'm terribly sorry to have missed you."  His eyes were wide, his expression worried.  "You haven't... done anything yet, have you?"

"No," Archie murmured.  "Not yet."

"Could we talk, then?  Before you do?"

Archie's response was a long time coming, and in the end was only a mute nod.  He trailed behind his friend, following him back off the ship and through the streets in silence.  Horatio hesitated half a step so that they were side by side, matching his pace to his friend's. 

Not a word was said until they were back in their room.  Archie stopped just inside the door, leaning against the door frame with his coat still on like he expected he might have to bolt at any moment. 

Horatio watched him, frowning slightly.  "I'm not going to hurt you, Archie," he said softly.  "I'll not let anyone hurt you."  But there were different ways to hurt a person, and could he truly promise that he could keep from doing any of them?  He hoped so.  He didn't like the way the other man was shaking.

"Please," he said.  "Take off your coat.  Come sit."

"I d-don't think I should," Archie stammered.  "I never should have written that letter.  Please, just burn it and forget it, won't you?  Forget me with it.  I'll f-find an-n-nother sh-sh—"

Horatio caught Archie as he slumped, easing him to the ground and holding him gently but firmly until the fit passed.  He eased the man out of his coat while he was still scarcely lucid, lifting him and putting him in the bed and sitting beside him.  He stroked back his hair, surprised at how soft it was at the temples. 

Finally Archie's eyes came open and his eyes darted around as he took in his surroundings, and the fact that Horatio was still there, watching over him, caring for him.  "I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice rough. 

"It's all right," Horatio reassured him.  "I'm sorry to have upset you.  Truly, I would have been there if I had read the note sooner.  I would have been there as noon struck, so that you wouldn't have had to doubt even for a minute whether I would come.  I'm so sorry."  He kept running his fingers through Archie's hair, smoothing it back.  "Do you believe me?"

Archie nodded slowly.  Yes, he believed that Horatio would have been there, but why? 

"You're dearer to me than I can imagine anyone else being," Horatio said, as if he had heard the unspoken question.  "The thought of losing you is unbearable.  I feel as if I ran over half the town in search of you this afternoon.  For a moment, more than a moment, I thought I might lose you forever, and it makes my heart ache even to think of it."

"Can we go back from here?" Archie asked, forcing himself to sit up.  He looked away and blinked rapidly hoping the tears that pricked his eyes would not spill. 

"No," Horatio said after a moment's thought.  "I don't think we can, Archie.  I don't think there's any going back."

"Then what do we do?"

"There's only one thing we can do," Horatio replied, and placed his hand against the side of his friend's neck, his thumb braced against his jaw.  He'd wondered if, when it came down to it, he'd be able to do this thing, take this step that there truly was no going back from.  Now that the moment had come, he was left with no doubt.  He pressed his lips to Archie's, scarcely more than the touch of a breath.  "We go forward, though the seas are uncharted.  There's no one I would rather have at my side."

There, there it was.  The brilliant smile that had warmed him from the moment he'd first seen it after stepping foot on the _Justinian_.  There was his Archie, who he'd come to know and love.  He smiled back as their foreheads rested against each other, and then their lips met again in a second kiss, this one more certain than the first. 

"Nor I, Horatio," Archie said.  "Nor I."


End file.
